It's amazing how open you are to each other and with us, so thank you so much for that. Me and my boyfriend work together too, and we have a similar situation, I want to do more, music is my passion, and basically the meaning in my life. When I talk with him about doing more he says he loves music but he also loves other things in life, and he wants to have time and space in his life to do them too. He doesn't want to give it all to music. Whereas I would definitely give it all to music for a couple of years at least to achieve this dream and to live a beautiful meaningful life.
So interesting, Gala! I think your boyfriend and I really value balance. It's one of my core values and I think a lot of my stress comes from the thought of getting out of balance. I have big dreams but want to achieve them in a balanced way which sometimes feels at odds!
James, love that you started a Substack!!! I also love your words here, and have always appreciated the idea that your primary partnership can be one of the greatest sources of personal growth, because of those shared values but also because of the differences inherent to each of us. I see a lot of my own relationship mirrored here, and I am constantly trying to take a page out of my partner’s book to not push myself too hard when it’s not worthwhile, even when everything in me is begging me to (because capitalism, etc). That said, I am certain that being in business together only magnifies all of the differences between you two, so I can only imagine how that might be! You are both so fantastic, and I trust that you’ll keep learning from each other as you build this business - from an outside perspective, it seems like a very good balance of your two personalities, and that your combined superpowers allow for a sustainable path that can be difficult to master for just one person (be they a plodder or a doer)!
So interesting hearing about this and so eloquently written and thought out. I hope you’re feeling okay/better after your breakdown, your vulnerability in this post is so generous, excited to read more! - sending love from a fellow IC member 💕
Makes complete sense, all of it. I think I’ve been in a relationship with someone with that dynamic happening where I was the Amie and they were the James. We deeply cared about each other and loved spending time together but they were exhausted by me and couldn’t maintain it. We’re still friends and I have no regrets. I have so much respect for you both. I’m deeply glad that you each have your own study now, so you can establish and cultivate the environment and energy you need in that sovereign territory. These things are important. Deep respect to each of you individually as well as as a couple and team. I know it mustn’t always feel like it but you are doing such an incredible job, both of you. You are both valid and oh so glorious in your differences.
Thank you for all your kind words, River. You're right, the studies do help a lot! It was definitely harder when we were in a one bedroom apartment. Hoping to keep this country life going as long as possible so we can continue to have space for studies.
Really looking forward to reading more from you - I often get a lot of insight from what you say on the podcast.
I'd love to know how you think neurodiversity intersects with this topic. I think the more I understand about how my brain works the more I understand that I can't just replicate what works for other people. I think so many of us work best in really different conditions and set ups and have wildly different capacities. I really want to get off the burnout cycle but that temptation to do what seems 'normal' is so strong! And equally I live with a highly ambitious partner who works in STEM and happily hyper focuses every day for 8+ hours, and I need to remind myself daily that his output is also far from the norm, it's just praised by society a lot more.
How beautiful and honest your words are James and how dull it would be if you were exactly the same. How you would have no opportunity to marvel at how each other works. Imposter syndrome with regards to the other person I could be chases me- it’s not always about work or art but sometimes my partner. The mother I’ll never be and how I won’t know that woman I could have been if I had have. The breath of writing, taking stock. Knowing rest is resistance (credit to Tricia Hersey) in this damn culture of ours. Never alone in these thoughts!
Loved this! As a fellow slow-pacer I can relate to that feeling of not doing enough, of not showing up for my passion projects, even when deep down I know it’s something I really want to do.
Yay for joining Substack, James! My husband and I are also perfectly matched in our values, beliefs, and humour - with a stark contrast in our personalities, motivations, and interest. I really enjoyed reading your observations around working differently to Amie - especially the line: "My wife is a rocketship: I’m married to a doer, a hard-charger, a get things done person: my wife, Amie."
Welcome to Substack, James! I’m a big fan of listening to the Unpublished podcast and I’m super excited that we can get your insights here now, too. My husband and I don’t work together, but BOY OH BOY can I relate to that breakdown! It takes so long to unlearn the shame that has been beaten into us since birth regarding production & output—likely a lifetime. My husband reminds me all the time to rest so I don’t burn myself out, and the progress I make in my creative pursuits tends to be smaller than I’d like (but at least it’s been steady!) That balance between partners is so important. It’s clear that you’re dedicated—and I say that because you play Elden Ring and to play that one must have the dedication of a saint & elite skill— IT IS NO JOKE! I look forward to reading more from your (maybe relationship) blog!
I loved the honesty and vulnerability in this post! My husband and I don't work together, but he is much more ambitious than I am and works longer hours with less time off. As the slower-moving partner, I totally understand where you're coming from when you say that insecurity that you aren't contributing can creep in. I often feel like I am being lazy compared to him. But we slower-moving partners provide balance and reminders to recharge so our partners don't burn out, and that has immense value too! Thank you for making a point to say it, because we definitely need to hear it more often!
My hubby and I used to work together. I actually miss it. This post reminded me just how much I do. We’d get similar comments: HOW DO YOU DO IT?!! You’re right - it was hard sometimes. However, he’s my favorite person on this planet. Of course I have my own interests and crave autonomy at times, but I enjoyed building every part of our lives in the same space. I’m hoping we get that again one day; it’s challenging at times but when it works, it WORKS. In this case, I’ve been following you all for about a year and have already experienced such benefit to you all sharing your art, words, and experiences. Thanks for sharing.
I have a question, mostly because I’m curious! How do you all find/make time for autonomy and space if/when you need it? I know you mentioned business and regular life kind of bleed together at times. If that balance sort of tips too much in one direction, is there something(s) you all go to to realign?
Such a great question, Kayla, thank you. I think we're lucky that, even though we have many shared interests, we also have lots of things we enjoy that the other person doesn't. When we were back in Sydney that was a little more balanced because I had long term DnD group I'd go to every other Friday, I'd play casual sport on Sundays, and we had some other friendship circles that didn't overlap so much.
Now that we're in a small English village, I like to go on a walk by myself every day for about an hour. We actually ended up having to have a conversation where I basically banned Amie from coming on walks with me as I needed the alone time. We also tend to do our own thing between dinner and bed time (we have really early dinner!). I go and read or play a video game in my office, and Amie usually goes up to bed early and reads or watches some ASMR.
That’s super helpful! Thank you! Darryl and I have had to kind of ban each other from our own spaces in the mornings before work because we get a lot of work done then. But we can have a tendency to “encroach” on the others space or relaxing. 😂 Thanks for sharing!
It's amazing how open you are to each other and with us, so thank you so much for that. Me and my boyfriend work together too, and we have a similar situation, I want to do more, music is my passion, and basically the meaning in my life. When I talk with him about doing more he says he loves music but he also loves other things in life, and he wants to have time and space in his life to do them too. He doesn't want to give it all to music. Whereas I would definitely give it all to music for a couple of years at least to achieve this dream and to live a beautiful meaningful life.
So interesting, Gala! I think your boyfriend and I really value balance. It's one of my core values and I think a lot of my stress comes from the thought of getting out of balance. I have big dreams but want to achieve them in a balanced way which sometimes feels at odds!
James, love that you started a Substack!!! I also love your words here, and have always appreciated the idea that your primary partnership can be one of the greatest sources of personal growth, because of those shared values but also because of the differences inherent to each of us. I see a lot of my own relationship mirrored here, and I am constantly trying to take a page out of my partner’s book to not push myself too hard when it’s not worthwhile, even when everything in me is begging me to (because capitalism, etc). That said, I am certain that being in business together only magnifies all of the differences between you two, so I can only imagine how that might be! You are both so fantastic, and I trust that you’ll keep learning from each other as you build this business - from an outside perspective, it seems like a very good balance of your two personalities, and that your combined superpowers allow for a sustainable path that can be difficult to master for just one person (be they a plodder or a doer)!
Thank you, Lauren! I agree that it works remarkably well remarkably often! Always appreciate your support and love seeing you around the internets.
So interesting hearing about this and so eloquently written and thought out. I hope you’re feeling okay/better after your breakdown, your vulnerability in this post is so generous, excited to read more! - sending love from a fellow IC member 💕
Thank you Amy, I really appreciate your support!
Makes complete sense, all of it. I think I’ve been in a relationship with someone with that dynamic happening where I was the Amie and they were the James. We deeply cared about each other and loved spending time together but they were exhausted by me and couldn’t maintain it. We’re still friends and I have no regrets. I have so much respect for you both. I’m deeply glad that you each have your own study now, so you can establish and cultivate the environment and energy you need in that sovereign territory. These things are important. Deep respect to each of you individually as well as as a couple and team. I know it mustn’t always feel like it but you are doing such an incredible job, both of you. You are both valid and oh so glorious in your differences.
Thank you for all your kind words, River. You're right, the studies do help a lot! It was definitely harder when we were in a one bedroom apartment. Hoping to keep this country life going as long as possible so we can continue to have space for studies.
Really looking forward to reading more from you - I often get a lot of insight from what you say on the podcast.
I'd love to know how you think neurodiversity intersects with this topic. I think the more I understand about how my brain works the more I understand that I can't just replicate what works for other people. I think so many of us work best in really different conditions and set ups and have wildly different capacities. I really want to get off the burnout cycle but that temptation to do what seems 'normal' is so strong! And equally I live with a highly ambitious partner who works in STEM and happily hyper focuses every day for 8+ hours, and I need to remind myself daily that his output is also far from the norm, it's just praised by society a lot more.
I agree that neurodiversity definitely intersects here! We're actually answering a question about that on our podcast this week!
How beautiful and honest your words are James and how dull it would be if you were exactly the same. How you would have no opportunity to marvel at how each other works. Imposter syndrome with regards to the other person I could be chases me- it’s not always about work or art but sometimes my partner. The mother I’ll never be and how I won’t know that woman I could have been if I had have. The breath of writing, taking stock. Knowing rest is resistance (credit to Tricia Hersey) in this damn culture of ours. Never alone in these thoughts!
"Imposter syndrome with regards to the other person I could be," is such a good way of putting it. Thank you, Laura!
Loved this! As a fellow slow-pacer I can relate to that feeling of not doing enough, of not showing up for my passion projects, even when deep down I know it’s something I really want to do.
I do love us slow-pacers though!
Yay for joining Substack, James! My husband and I are also perfectly matched in our values, beliefs, and humour - with a stark contrast in our personalities, motivations, and interest. I really enjoyed reading your observations around working differently to Amie - especially the line: "My wife is a rocketship: I’m married to a doer, a hard-charger, a get things done person: my wife, Amie."
I liked the rocketship analogy too! Thank you, Ceri.
Welcome to Substack, James! I’m a big fan of listening to the Unpublished podcast and I’m super excited that we can get your insights here now, too. My husband and I don’t work together, but BOY OH BOY can I relate to that breakdown! It takes so long to unlearn the shame that has been beaten into us since birth regarding production & output—likely a lifetime. My husband reminds me all the time to rest so I don’t burn myself out, and the progress I make in my creative pursuits tends to be smaller than I’d like (but at least it’s been steady!) That balance between partners is so important. It’s clear that you’re dedicated—and I say that because you play Elden Ring and to play that one must have the dedication of a saint & elite skill— IT IS NO JOKE! I look forward to reading more from your (maybe relationship) blog!
You're right! Elden Ring is only for the elite! Thank you, E.G. And thanks for listening to the pod :)
I loved the honesty and vulnerability in this post! My husband and I don't work together, but he is much more ambitious than I am and works longer hours with less time off. As the slower-moving partner, I totally understand where you're coming from when you say that insecurity that you aren't contributing can creep in. I often feel like I am being lazy compared to him. But we slower-moving partners provide balance and reminders to recharge so our partners don't burn out, and that has immense value too! Thank you for making a point to say it, because we definitely need to hear it more often!
Thank you, Rebecca! You're right, we have a really important role! I think if I wasn't here Amie would burn out a lot more often.
ahh looved this!! can’t wait to read more :)
Howdy, Bonnie! Thank you!
My hubby and I used to work together. I actually miss it. This post reminded me just how much I do. We’d get similar comments: HOW DO YOU DO IT?!! You’re right - it was hard sometimes. However, he’s my favorite person on this planet. Of course I have my own interests and crave autonomy at times, but I enjoyed building every part of our lives in the same space. I’m hoping we get that again one day; it’s challenging at times but when it works, it WORKS. In this case, I’ve been following you all for about a year and have already experienced such benefit to you all sharing your art, words, and experiences. Thanks for sharing.
I have a question, mostly because I’m curious! How do you all find/make time for autonomy and space if/when you need it? I know you mentioned business and regular life kind of bleed together at times. If that balance sort of tips too much in one direction, is there something(s) you all go to to realign?
Hopefully that all makes sense!
Such a great question, Kayla, thank you. I think we're lucky that, even though we have many shared interests, we also have lots of things we enjoy that the other person doesn't. When we were back in Sydney that was a little more balanced because I had long term DnD group I'd go to every other Friday, I'd play casual sport on Sundays, and we had some other friendship circles that didn't overlap so much.
Now that we're in a small English village, I like to go on a walk by myself every day for about an hour. We actually ended up having to have a conversation where I basically banned Amie from coming on walks with me as I needed the alone time. We also tend to do our own thing between dinner and bed time (we have really early dinner!). I go and read or play a video game in my office, and Amie usually goes up to bed early and reads or watches some ASMR.
That’s super helpful! Thank you! Darryl and I have had to kind of ban each other from our own spaces in the mornings before work because we get a lot of work done then. But we can have a tendency to “encroach” on the others space or relaxing. 😂 Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for that, Ray. You're right, it does take ambition to be with an ambitious person!