How Not to Write Your First Novel

An Inversion

Charlie Munger, the great investor and partner of Warren Buffett at Berkshire Hathaway has a great saying: “Many problems can’t be solved forward.” The meaning being, the best way to do something is to work backwards from an outcome you don’t want.

So working backwards, I’m going to tell you what to do if you never want to finish your first novel and want to have a miserable time in the process of not finishing.

I always find the format to be entertaining and strangely more informative than a list of what TO do.

So much writing advice is from seasoned professionals with agents and editors who forget what it’s like to be a noob.

I am an intermediate noob. I’ve written four novels and sold none. Most writers have to write several books before they sell one, and that’s something they don’t always tell you. Brandon Sanderson considers you a beginner if you’ve written less than five. I’m not sure I agree with that. I feel like Amie, my wife, learned so much from her terrible experience with her first book that she got several books worth out of it. So that’s one upside to do everything wrong when you start out.

There is definitely some truth in Sanderson’s advice though. The quality of my writing clearly increases massively with each book.

I consider myself an expert in writing for no reward. In just getting books done because I want to get books done. That’s what all us beginners are doing: writing not because someone is expecting us to, or because we have a contract with a deadline. We are writing because it’s a worthwhile pursuit in and of itself, and because we want to improve.

This article has nothing to do with plot, prose, or the craft itself. It’s about the mental side of just finishing the damn book. That’s the biggest barrier for beginners. I believe we learn more by getting through books than we do by obsessing over craft.

I know it’s cliché, but I do think the first and last ones are the most important.

Twenty Five things to do if you never want to finish your book

1. Obsess over every sentence.

2. Spend days or, hopefully, weeks researching what sort of hats people might wear in your fantasy world. This way you don’t actually have to write.

3. Set huge daily word goals (since you’re a beginner, 2000 words should do it).

4. Put pressure on this book to be the one that lets you quit your job and become a full time writer

5. Don’t plan.

6. Don’t take any time for yourself or your own dreams. Martyr yourself to other responsibilities and let people use you. Have really soft boundaries here so that people know they can just roll right over them.

7. Jealously guard your ideas and refuse to tell anyone about them. They might steal them!

8. Conversely, tell absolutely everyone that you are writing a novel, especially Substack. You might get lots of compliments which will give you so much dopamine you won’t feel like writing anymore.

9. Assume this is your one good idea and that you’ll never have any other ideas in your life. Ideas, not execution, are a writer’s life blood!

10. Constantly compare your writing to that of a writer you really admire.

11. Take so many writing classes you don’t have time to write.

12. Model everything you do off some book about writing. Maybe Stephen King’s. Then next year, when you read a new book, you can do everything that other person says. Even better, assume that every writer should always keep the same schedule as whoever was the highest earning writer of the previous generation. Refuse to deviate or adapt to your own rhythm, style or life circumstances. Bonus, take this very list by some random on the internet as gospel and assume I am right about everything.

13. Find critique partners as early as possible in the process when you’re still raw. Always good to have the confidence knocked out of you as a beginner. The meaner they are, the better. No one ever got better at writing by having someone build up their confidence and tell them what they were doing right.

14. Assume that you can only write from inspiration and stop every time you get bored (this is easier to do when your word counts are large enough that they feel like a chore. See aforementioned 2000 word goal for a guide).

15. Assume that writing is meant to be painful. Resolve to never enjoy yourself. If you’ve hated writing for weeks or months, that’s great, you’re doing it right. Don’t change anything or look for ways to make it easier or more enjoyable. Pain and suffering are moral goods.

16. Never take any days off, not even for Christmas or your partner’s birthday.

17. Make bloody sure you choose the correct writing program. If necessary, delay writing by weeks until you know for certain.

18. Resolve to write only when circumstances are perfect. Preferably, you have a whole day free, someone will bring all your food to you, and no one will call, text, or even try to speak to you.

19. Refuse to set goals or deadlines.

20. Set goals and deadlines that are extremely aggressive. It would be great to write four books this year! Beat yourself up when you’re behind schedule or miss a milestone.

21. Have your phone right next to you as you write and make sure all your notifications are on full blast. Use pure willpower to stop yourself from opening Instagram.

22. Stop reading other people’s work. They might interfere with your authorial voice. You didn’t get into this because you love books! It’s about the money.

23. Instead of writing, always make sure you’re up to date with whatever weird and crazy thing either Donald Trump or Elon Musk last said. If you aren’t always perfectly informed about every political utterance, you’re a bad person. Bonus points if you aren’t even American.

24. Treat yourself as if you are a brain in a jar. Ignore all signs of fatigue and ill health. These are just signals from your weak flesh and are to be discounted as if they were some annoying dog barking at your while you sit peacefully at the local café (writing). When you are tired and sick, push on. In fact, push even harder! Show that silly body who’s boss.

25. Assume this is as good as you’ll ever get and hold onto that fixed mindset. This is important. Really beat yourself up about how bad you are at writing. Everyone else who ever wrote well was brilliant from the very beginning. It isn’t a skill you can develop; it’s just talent. Some people have it or they don’t. This book is NOT about improving as a writer. It’s about manifesting your innate brilliance.

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In summary: don’t strive for perfection, be kind to yourself, take your writing seriously but not too seriously, and don’t set yourself up for distraction and burnout.

Writing is amazing, fun, and brilliant, but also hard. It’s worthwhile and also seems futile at times.

I’m so glad I wrote those four novels, and if none of them ever sell, it would have been worth it. The thing that would have sucked the most is if I’d let those novels sit inside me, never to come out.

I hope this list helps make it a little easier for you to finish your first novel.

Thank you for reading.

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Did you know, my wife, who is an actual professional writer unlike myself, has a book coming out in two weeks called We Need Your Art. It covers all the most pernicious blocks artists encounter on their journey: procrastination, perfectionism, fear of success, fear of failure, and much more! I had a hand in its creation and am really proud of what we achieved.

Pre-orders are so important for writers and we would love it if you would pick up a copy! It’s out on March 11th so, if you pre-order now, you’re basically just regular ordering with a long shipping time…